The Love We Turn Towards Ourselves
The Love We Turn Towards Ourselves
What does self-love mean to you?
Let me put that another way. Do you love yourself? The person you are now, not the person you hope to become when you have changed your body, achieved something important or finally overcome the parts of yourself you find difficult.
How comfortable do you feel with that question? How easy is it to answer honestly?
Self-love is something I have struggled with throughout much of my life. I use the word struggle intentionally. During both of my breakdowns, I could not see my own value. I did not understand why anyone would want anything to do with me. I thought I was boring and dull, with very little to contribute or offer.
I have also had a difficult and, at times, damaging relationship with my body over the decades. I have deprived her of food and I have used food to comfort or numb what I did not know how to hold. Neither came from a loving relationship with her.
Perhaps this is why the question, “Do you love yourself?” can feel so enormous. It appears to ask for a certainty you may not possess or a feeling you cannot simply summon because somebody tells you that you should.
If self-love feels too difficult or distant, perhaps you can begin somewhere else.
Perhaps you can begin with self-respect.
When love feels too far away
Do you respect yourself?
Do you live in a way that reflects your values? Do you listen when your body communicates with you? Do you speak to yourself in a way you would consider acceptable if those same words were being directed towards somebody you love?
Self-respect may not sound as beautiful or expansive as self-love, but it gives you somewhere real to begin. You do not have to adore everything about yourself before you can decide not to be cruel to yourself. You do not have to feel confident in your worth before you can allow your needs to matter. You do not have to love your body before you can feed her, care for her and stop treating her as something that must be conquered.
Yesterday, while still beneath the energies of the New Moon in Virgo, I set one intention: to be in service to myself and to devote myself to me.
You may think that sounds selfish, but it is not an intention to place myself above everyone else or stop caring for the people I love. I have given many years of service to others, and that care will continue. I simply recognise that I am also worthy of some of my time, energy, attention and devotion.
Perhaps that is what self-love can look like before it becomes a feeling. It can become a way of meeting yourself.
What do you turn towards yourself?
When you love someone deeply, you do not usually require them to become flawless before they are worthy of your love. You may feel frustrated or disappointed. There may be things you find difficult. But imperfection does not erase everything you value within them.
Why, then, do so many of us make perfection the entry requirement for loving ourselves?
Perhaps the more revealing question is not whether you love yourself, but what you turn towards yourself in the moments when love is most difficult.
When you make a mistake, do you turn towards yourself with understanding or condemnation?
When your body is hurting, exhausted or changing, do you offer her care or frustration?
When you do not live up to your own expectations, do you remain beside yourself or withdraw your kindness until you believe you have earned it again?
Self-love does not need to begin with grand declarations, expensive gestures or the sudden ability to embrace every part of yourself. It may begin with the decision not to abandon yourself when you are struggling. It may be found in the meal you prepare, the boundary you honour, the support you allow yourself to receive or the moment you choose to rest without demanding that you justify it.
Some days this may feel easier than others. Self-love is not something you achieve once and then possess permanently. It is a living relationship, and like every relationship, it asks for your continued presence.
Venus and the relationship you have with yourself
On 3 October, Venus stations retrograde at approximately 8° Scorpio before eventually returning to Libra. Venus speaks to many areas of our lives, including love, value, desire, pleasure, worth and our capacity to receive.
When Venus turns retrograde, her gaze appears to turn inwards. She invites us to reconsider what and whom we value, the ways in which we seek love and approval, and the beliefs through which we measure our worth.
Beginning in Scorpio, this retrograde carries depth. Scorpio does not ask us to glance at the surface and move quickly on. She offers us the obsidian mirror and invites us to look more deeply.
Not to search for evidence against ourselves. Not to expose every perceived flaw or sit in judgement of the choices we have made. Rather, to notice what we have hidden, dismissed or been unwilling to name.
What do you truly value?
What do you desire when expectation and obligation are stripped away?
Where have you confused being needed with being loved?
How well do you allow care, pleasure, support and love to reach you?
This Venus retrograde carries another layer of significance. On 24 October, retrograde Venus meets the Sun at approximately 0° Scorpio, creating what is known as a Venus Star Point. This will be the final Venus Star Point in Scorpio that any of us will experience in our lifetime.
This particular point in the Venus Star has been moving through Scorpio for approximately a century, beginning in 1926. After this final meeting at the threshold of Scorpio, the cycle continues its longer movement into Libra and will not return to Scorpio for around 150 years.
I do not believe this means that we must expect something frightening or force ourselves into a dramatic transformation. But it does give this retrograde the quality of a threshold. It invites us to consider what we are ready to understand more deeply about love, desire, value and worth, and what kind of relationship we now want to create with ourselves.
An invitation to reflect
You may like to spend some time with these questions:
When you turn towards yourself, what do you most often bring: criticism, expectation, avoidance, tenderness, patience or something else?
If loving yourself feels too difficult or distant today, what would it mean to treat yourself with respect?
There are no correct answers. You do not need to turn your reflections into another list of things you must change. Allow the questions to show you something about the relationship you already have with yourself and what that relationship may now be asking of you.
On Thursday 1 October at 7.30 pm, two days before Venus stations retrograde, I will be holding an online Sister Circle, The Love We Turn Towards Ourselves. Together, we will explore love, value, desire, worth and the relationship you have with yourself as we stand at the threshold of this significant Venus cycle.
Tickets are £12 and include the live Circle on Zoom and access to the recording afterwards if you cannot attend live. The Circle is free for members of The Sacred Sanctuary as part of their membership.
If you feel called to enter this space, you can discover more and reserve your place here. You are warmly invited to join us exactly as you are.
You do not need to arrive loving every part of yourself.
Perhaps self-love begins before you can confidently say, “I love myself.”
Perhaps it begins in the moment you stop turning away.
In the moment you turn towards yourself and choose to stay.
